If you have ever changed churches or found yourself without a church through no fault of your own (i.e. moral failure within leadership, etc.), then you know that it can be one of the most stressful experiences of your life.  It can also catch you off-guard.  In April of 2010, our family found ourselves without a church home for the 1st time in our lives!  During that month, while I was reading a book on the train while headed home from a hard day’s work in downtown Boston, I struck up a conversation with a man sitting across from me.  At some point in the conversation, he said:

I noticed that you are reading a Christian book.  Where do you go to church?

I’ve been asked this question many times before so I opened my mouth almost instinctively and, with my mouth hanging open, I realized I didn’t have anything to tell him!  I stumbled through a quick explanation that basically went like this: “Well..um….I don’t have one…”

I went home and cried.  I was embarrassed, frustrated, and angry that I had no church home.  As I was reminiscing of this crazy time of our lives, I thought it would be a good time to share a few tips to keep in mind if you are leaving or have left a church:

Tip #1 – Not everyone is going to be happy about you leaving the church, even if God told you to do it

This was a shocker to me!    I spent a lot of time in one church growing up, but towards the end I had begun to feel like the Lord had something else in store for us.  I felt the Lord tell me in prayer that our time at this church was complete and that we had fulfilled God’s purpose for us in that body.  He was calling us to help out in a new church that was starting up in Framingham, MA and I received multiple confirmations evidenced by my boss transferring me out to the new location with a raise and our house selling in 6 weeks to the first people who looked at it. 

My assumption was that, if God is calling us to do this, then everyone will hear this and see the confirmations and be excited for us!  Not so much….  It was so hard to feel as though we were disappointing everyone in our lives by following God, but we did it anyway and we learned a lot in the process.

Don’t be shocked if not everyone is on board.  Hold close to the Lord during this time and ask Him to affirm His calling as often as needed.  He knows that leaving a church is tough and He’s happy to help you in the transition.

Tip #2 – There will be misunderstandings

You may have good memories of the church and you can think of times standing around the altar singing “Kum-ba-yah” and “You’re my brother, you’re my sister”, but be prepared that, even in the best of church transitions, there will be misunderstandings.  Don’t be blindsided by it, but instead just be aware.  You leaving a church doesn’t just affect you – it does affect those that are left behind as they wrestle with their own questions of “Why”.  Ask the Holy Spirit to help you work through these with patience, love, and understanding.

Tip #3 – Don’t defend yourself when people talk “smack”

People will talk and it will hurt.  At our last church, there was a bunch of discussion going around that I stole a car from the pastor.  This hurt and I wanted to defend myself so badly.  They had no idea of the thousands of dollars that I lost on that transaction by trying to help.  But when I went to prayer about it, I felt the Lord say to me:

If you defend yourself, then I can’t defend you.  Do you trust me that I can defend you?  I am your avenger.

Once I decided to keep my mouth shut (a miracle!), I felt peace and later there were people who were able to receive understanding regarding the situation.

Sometimes you just have to pity other people who don’t know the whole story.  You will find people making judgements with their eyes and listening to whatever they hear instead of just asking the person involved.   

Tip #4 – Be careful of the agreements you make in your mind

When we are going through difficult situations, there are times that we make what John Eldredge calls “default agreements”.  It’s assumptions about life to permeate our consciousness and guide how we think and live in the future.  It’s easy to find yourself sayings things like:

Well, I’ll never open myself up like that again!

If this is what church is like then who needs it?

All churches must be like this.

Have the courage to open up again, trust again, and have faith in this model (the church) that God has given.  People aren’t perfect, but God is and we need to trust Him and be careful about the thoughts we let into our minds during these vulnerable times.

Tip #5 – Trust that, if being involved in a community of believers is important to God, He’ll connect you with a new body of believers

This was one of the prayers I kept bringing to the Lord during this time of our lives.  I truly believed that, if belonging to a church family was a critical component of a strong walk with the Lord, then it would be a priority to Him to help us find a new place to be planted.  And he did!

Tip #6 – Gossip is sneaky

Even if you have resigned yourself not to gossip, what will be difficult is when it comes time for you to share your story to help others going through similar transitions.  Depending on the circumstances surrounding your departure, it can be almost impossible to share your story without entering into a grey area of gossiping about the character of the individuals involved.  As I’ve shared some of our own story in this post, I’ve tried to be very careful to not mention names.  Please just keep this in mind as you begin to share your story to help others.  Gossip is sneaky and will look for any foothold that it can.

Tip #7 – Don’t blame God

I had a minister that I trust share with me a story of what his pastor said to him as he was getting ready to leave for bible college.  His pastor called him into his office and said I want to share with you something that will help you in your future years of ministry.  This young minister was all ears and was prepared to write down what was about to be share.  The older pastor said “People are stupid and they’ll do things that won’t make sense”.  That was it!

Now we know that not everyone is stupid, but during church transitions, people will do things that do not always make sense, but we have to be careful to not blame God.  It wasn’t God that was talking about you, it wasn’t God that had a moral failure, it wasn’t God that is misunderstanding you….it was people.  Keep your heart open to God, especially during challenging times. 

Conclusion

I pray that this helps you as you work through church transitions.  I know what it’s like to have people scratch their heads when we left a church.  But the Lord has always been faithful and if I can help you and pray with you in your journey in any way, please let me know.

Servant of a wicked cool God,

Matt Legere